My grandma's funeral

Today was the day of my grandma's funeral in Prague. As a result my mood reflected this sadness. I feel bad because I was clearly impatient with all the kids in my classes... I just didn't want to be at work. Well, I don't think it's all my fault either, though. I think it's that time where the kids are starting to see where their boundaries are and what they can get away with now that they're no longer so shy about everything being new. Regardless, I felt "heavier" today than I have been lately. Just the shadow of the thought of my grandma's funeral kept me bogged down.

I sent a beautiful bouquet of white lilies to my family's house in Prague for the funeral. I want at least some part of me to be by my grandma's side even if I can't physically be there. While I was shopping around for the flowers I could hear my grandma's voice telling me "No, Carla Andrea. It's too expensive! Keep your money." I, of course, ignored this because in the past I had small arguments (nothing serious) about how she thought I was spending too much on her, and I just brushed that aside because I would tell her that money was nothing compared to knowing that she was happy and healthy. She did this up until our last conversation some 2.5 weeks ago when she said we had better stop talking on the phone as I was spending too much money (again, I brushed this aside by saying that spending a few dollars on a phone call was nothing to me, and that I had the money and just wanted to talk to her)... stubborn old woman. Heh, I know at least in some part where I get it from.

I hope to soon have a sign from my grandma that she is now in a better place. I know some people may look down on this, but I believe in an afterlife, in a God, and in eternal happiness after death. I just want a sign that everything's OK and, in short, I just want to be able to say good-bye so that the burden I have of not being able to see her for 4 years can at least be partially lifted. I want to give us both that peace of closure.

Rest in peace, grandma. I hope you're happier now than you've ever been before. I hope to see you again when it is my time...

Your granddaughter,
Carla

Day 2 of Teaching/my wonderful grandma

I felt better today. It was still tough, but going to work has really kept me motivated. The kids have helped me take my mind off of my grandma's death, especially the kindergartners as they are so energetic, and constantly need my attention. Any time I feel I'm about to break down in tears I hear "Carla Teacher, I need help" and then I turn my attention to the child in question and their needs. It has really helped. The teachers have been very supportive, and a couple of them gave their condolences and placed cards on my desk. I've had moments today where I felt like my usual, sarcastic, loud self, but then I end up quickly going back to being quiet and just sad.

Korea has treated me well so far, but it's so hard facing these things alone and so far away. My grandma's funeral is March 8th in Prague, but I won't be able to make it because I can't afford it. It hurts me so bad that I still can't say good-bye to her, even now that she's gone.

I guess the point of this entry in particular is that I want to celebrate my grandma's life, and share with you what a wonderful person she was. My grandma helped raise me. When I was young she would pick me up from school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The ritual was always the same: after she picked me up we'd go to McDonald's for my after-school meal, then we'd drive to her house, she'd show me a new gift that she bought me, I'd be excited, then I'd park my tush in front of the TV and stay there most of the evening. Once I was finished with my McDonald's my grandma would make me a delicious dinner. I loved being at her house. She spoiled me rotten, that woman. But I knew she did it because she loved me so much. I was her first granddaughter.

She always puts the needs of others in front of her own. When my grandpa went through the last part of his life with Parkinson's disease she took care of him the best way she could. When my parents needed someone to watch over me she'd be there ready to babysit. Even in the last years of her life she barely complained about her situation. Her legs hurt when she walked, but she never complained about being on the second floor (though I urged her to demand the first floor apartment in the building). Even when I called her using Skype she was always worried about me spending money on her, and I would always assure her that I didn't care, and that it was nothing compared to just hearing her voice and making sure she was OK. The last time I talked to her was a couple of days before I left for Korea...

Not only is it the fact that I have lost such a wonderful woman from a life; I've also lost the one thing I felt connected me to my Czech heritage. I didn't care too much about that part of me because I was raised in a predominately Hispanic household, but because she was around I made sure to show that I cared about that side of the family, and that more than anything I wanted her to be happy. I have lost that connection. I have a huge void in my heart. The last time I saw my grandma was when I was 18 and visiting her in Prague. I remember she and I would walk everywhere. I even slept in her room. I was really happy I got to spend time with her. I even went with her to the cemetery to put fresh flowers on the graves of my grandpa, her family and my grandpa's family. My grandma was such an angel that she would take some of the flowers she bought and put them on graves that clearly were neglected, even though they were the graves of people we never knew and never met.

After I left Prague I prayed with all my heart that I would get one more chance to see her. I knew that she wouldn't be with us for too much longer, but never in my life did I think that it would just happen so suddenly, even though she supposedly had nothing life threatening. All I ever wanted was to give her one more hug and one more kiss. Now I will never get that chance. Even in death I can't say the good-bye I've wanted to give my grandma these last few years.

Life isn't fair. God isn't fair. But even so I pray that she is happy now; that she no longer has to worry about the needs of others before her own; that she can now, for once, not work so hard to support others and herself; that she can finally rest and be at peace for the first time in a long time.

I have still cried many tears today, and even now the tears stream down my cheeks. I feel so lost right now; I'm alone in a country I've never been in before and I have to face something so difficult as this without any of my loved ones close by. I hope I can find the strength to move on with your memory, and to celebrate your life every day in some way. I hope that I can be even a small portion of what you were and what you meant to so many of us. You were such a magnanimous person, grandma, and I hope that I have some part of you in me. My mom tells me all the time about some of the things I have from you: my nose, my legs, my hips... No matter how much I complain about these body parts I wouldn't trade them for anything because you gave them to me. I know it sounds silly, but now at least what I have from you takes on more meaning for me.

I miss you grandma. I miss you so much. But just as I told you right before we hung up the phone that last day that we talked: I love you, grandma. Never forget that.

Your granddaughter,
Carla

First Day of Teaching in Korea

Well, my absolute first day of actual teaching will always be remembered for one thing: the day I found out my beloved grandma died. I received an e-mail from my father in Prague informing me of what happened. Essentially, it looks like my grandma died in her sleep. I've been crying on and off all day. The supervisor said I could leave, but I decided to stay because it's the first day and the kids need me. Also, it's better for me so I can keep my mind off of things.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that.

-AALA

Day 2 in Korea

So this is going to be a quick update as I'm using the internet in my school and, though I have a computer in my motel room, it won't let me update my blog.

I start next week Wednesday with my class of kindergartners for the morning and early afternoon. Then afterwards the elementary school kids come in to be taught in English certain classes. So far I'm going to be teaching Science and Newspaper in Education. These kids had Korean school in the morning and then they come to our school for extra English learning. The kindergartners come in because they haven't started Korean school yet, so they have school in the morning with us.

Anyway, I have a seminar in 7 minutes about a book I'll have to use to teach. Will update at some other point.

-AALA

Seoul-bound

Well things were quite a bit hectic on my last day or so. Yesterday (Friday) my sister got very sick and had to be taken to the hospital. I stayed overnight with my mom. I was all nerves today since I was not only stressed about finishing my packing, but also incredibly worried about my sister and wondering whether it was right of me to leave her. Luckily, the tests that they gave her finally gave us some answers, and now I can leave for Korea resting more easily that she'll be OK.

I am taking 4 suitcases, a backpack and a small suitcase. I have done a LOT of eliminating as far as clothes and shoes so that I can fit the other things I need. I talked to one of my friends in Korea yesterday and he was trying to convince me that I didn't need 4 suitcases, but I very strongly disagreed with him as everyone knows men can wear far less than women and be OK with it. Also, I have a big foot for a girl, and one of my suitcases is only shoes (48 lbs' worth, to be exact) as I know I won't find shoes in Korea. Don't judge...

I hope to put up pictures soon. Look out, South Korea! Here comes Carla!

-AALA

Tampa, Here I Come!

Northwestern has been picked to play at the Outback Bowl Jan 1st against Auburn University in Tampa, Florida. I've pretty much already made up my mind to go. I'll be spending quite the chunk of change, but to me it's worth it (especially if we finally win our first bowl game since 1949). Once my paycheck comes in this Friday I'll be buying my plane tickets and paying back the guy who's buying my ticket to the game. Also, I've never been to Florida, so this will be great for me. And the timing of it works in my favor as I'm off of work Jan 1st anyway due to the holiday, and I've asked for my scheduled weekly day off to be the day before the game so that I don't lose any hours. The game is on a Friday, so I'll be back on the weekend and voila.

My next entry will most likely be about the trip to Tampa with some pictures.

Go 'Cats, Beat the Tigers!
(Note: last year in the Alamo Bowl we played the Missouri Tigers, so I guess I officially hate any team with the Tigers as their mascot)

-AALA

Homecoming 2009

On the heels of a Wildcat victory over BCS-ranked #4 Iowa I've finally gotten around to posting an entry on my trip to Chicago. Though I know that this isn't technically "abroad" it was a trip nonetheless that I wish to at least share in some capacity.

Going back to Chicago was the weirdest thing for me. For the first time I wasn't going back to school and I wasn't coming back from a vacation or a break. I was literally taking a vacation from my job to visit and then left to go back to my job, just like anyone in the real world. I know it sounds silly, but it was a very weird experience for me.

I marched in the alumni band for the day of the game. Northwestern was playing against Indiana and it was a game I badly wanted to win after last year. In the 2008 season Indiana won when they shouldn't have. I'm not saying it was referee calls or anything that did it; rather, that our team fell apart towards the end and Indiana took advantage of it. But it wasn't that alone that made me want to beat Indiana so badly. No, it was the disgusting treatment of the Indiana fans after the game that I recall with loathing. Many of the sore winners preceded to be just completely unclassy about their victory, trying to start fights, stealing some of our fan stuff and moving it (such as Northwestern flags), and just being complete jerks all around. Obviously, not all of the Indiana fans were like that, but it was prominent enough to be seared into my mind a hatred for Indiana that I had never felt before (indeed, prior to this trip I was very apathetic towards Indiana). Couple that with the fact that Indiana is a terrible state to begin with and you've got yourself a recipe for loathing. That was why, on our Homecoming, the victory over Indiana 29-28 was sweet. You can think I am a terrible person for what I am about to admit but I do not care: seeing the look of disappointment in their fans' faces was as much a gift to me as the actual victory. I take extreme pleasure in seeing their dejected looks because it makes me feel like life re-affirms my belief in karma. This same pleasure happened when towards the end of the game against Iowa the ESPN camera panned towards Iowa fans and they looked unhappy. Ashton Kutcher even threw his hat down in frustration at one point. Oh, by the way, I hate Iowa, too. Badly. For the same reason I hate Indiana: the fans' treatment of us. I was in the marching band when our away game was to Iowa my sophomore year, and never had I been treated so poorly by fans. I had things thrown at me, on top of expected swear words and name calling. But I draw the line at having things thrown at me, especially when I'm a member of the marching band. I expected such treatment from Michigan (which I never got, I'm both pleased and surprised to say), but not Iowa. So yes, you can call me whatever you like for admitting that, but it doesn't take away the fact that I am very happy about both wins.

The rest of my stay involved catching up with old friends, making new ones (I met the new members of the Tenor Sax section) and being in Chicago again. It was bittersweet. I am going to see if I can make it to Homecoming next year...

Anyway, without further ado, here are some pictures in my Northwestern Tenor Sax alumni glory:

In the stands with some of the Tenor alumni

Doing what we Tenors affectionately call "God's Horn"

In the stands

The Tenor alum who took this pic of me titled it as "Carla's First Homecoming"

The Tenor alums out on the field after our victory

And finally, the Tenor alumni who had played and marched meeting with the undergraduate Tenors (they can be distinguished by the fact that they're actually in uniform, although the jacket "warmers" don't really make this obvious)

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A big congrats to Northwestern for continuing to solidify our legacy: that is, sometimes we throw away games we should have won, and something we win games we shouldn't have. Either way, I'm proud of my 'Cats, and hope that we also beat Illinois next week to solidify our bowl game chances (I'm hoping they get picked for the Insight Bowl in Phoenix so that I can go see the them play as they will only be about 2 hours away!)

-AALA