I felt better today. It was still tough, but going to work has really kept me motivated. The kids have helped me take my mind off of my grandma's death, especially the kindergartners as they are so energetic, and constantly need my attention. Any time I feel I'm about to break down in tears I hear "Carla Teacher, I need help" and then I turn my attention to the child in question and their needs. It has really helped. The teachers have been very supportive, and a couple of them gave their condolences and placed cards on my desk. I've had moments today where I felt like my usual, sarcastic, loud self, but then I end up quickly going back to being quiet and just sad.
Korea has treated me well so far, but it's so hard facing these things alone and so far away. My grandma's funeral is March 8th in Prague, but I won't be able to make it because I can't afford it. It hurts me so bad that I still can't say good-bye to her, even now that she's gone.
I guess the point of this entry in particular is that I want to celebrate my grandma's life, and share with you what a wonderful person she was. My grandma helped raise me. When I was young she would pick me up from school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The ritual was always the same: after she picked me up we'd go to McDonald's for my after-school meal, then we'd drive to her house, she'd show me a new gift that she bought me, I'd be excited, then I'd park my tush in front of the TV and stay there most of the evening. Once I was finished with my McDonald's my grandma would make me a delicious dinner. I loved being at her house. She spoiled me rotten, that woman. But I knew she did it because she loved me so much. I was her first granddaughter.
She always puts the needs of others in front of her own. When my grandpa went through the last part of his life with Parkinson's disease she took care of him the best way she could. When my parents needed someone to watch over me she'd be there ready to babysit. Even in the last years of her life she barely complained about her situation. Her legs hurt when she walked, but she never complained about being on the second floor (though I urged her to demand the first floor apartment in the building). Even when I called her using Skype she was always worried about me spending money on her, and I would always assure her that I didn't care, and that it was nothing compared to just hearing her voice and making sure she was OK. The last time I talked to her was a couple of days before I left for Korea...
Not only is it the fact that I have lost such a wonderful woman from a life; I've also lost the one thing I felt connected me to my Czech heritage. I didn't care too much about that part of me because I was raised in a predominately Hispanic household, but because she was around I made sure to show that I cared about that side of the family, and that more than anything I wanted her to be happy. I have lost that connection. I have a huge void in my heart. The last time I saw my grandma was when I was 18 and visiting her in Prague. I remember she and I would walk everywhere. I even slept in her room. I was really happy I got to spend time with her. I even went with her to the cemetery to put fresh flowers on the graves of my grandpa, her family and my grandpa's family. My grandma was such an angel that she would take some of the flowers she bought and put them on graves that clearly were neglected, even though they were the graves of people we never knew and never met.
After I left Prague I prayed with all my heart that I would get one more chance to see her. I knew that she wouldn't be with us for too much longer, but never in my life did I think that it would just happen so suddenly, even though she supposedly had nothing life threatening. All I ever wanted was to give her one more hug and one more kiss. Now I will never get that chance. Even in death I can't say the good-bye I've wanted to give my grandma these last few years.
Life isn't fair. God isn't fair. But even so I pray that she is happy now; that she no longer has to worry about the needs of others before her own; that she can now, for once, not work so hard to support others and herself; that she can finally rest and be at peace for the first time in a long time.
I have still cried many tears today, and even now the tears stream down my cheeks. I feel so lost right now; I'm alone in a country I've never been in before and I have to face something so difficult as this without any of my loved ones close by. I hope I can find the strength to move on with your memory, and to celebrate your life every day in some way. I hope that I can be even a small portion of what you were and what you meant to so many of us. You were such a magnanimous person, grandma, and I hope that I have some part of you in me. My mom tells me all the time about some of the things I have from you: my nose, my legs, my hips... No matter how much I complain about these body parts I wouldn't trade them for anything because you gave them to me. I know it sounds silly, but now at least what I have from you takes on more meaning for me.
I miss you grandma. I miss you so much. But just as I told you right before we hung up the phone that last day that we talked: I love you, grandma. Never forget that.
Your granddaughter,
Carla
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